Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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