You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
