Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
