I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
