So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
