Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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