the condom got lost in my hair
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
