I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
