I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
