I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
