Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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