3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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