I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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