Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
