Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
