Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
