I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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