He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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