Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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