you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Randomize
