I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
how does that bad decision feel?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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