someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
