proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i've created a new STD.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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