Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
