Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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