Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
