just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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