i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
my liver is dry heaving
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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