You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
