My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
