Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
