So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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