Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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