Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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