i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
