I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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