There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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