you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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