I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
