i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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