i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
