I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
