God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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