just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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