This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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