I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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