She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
