I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
