he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
