remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Randomize
