It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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