I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
