Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
