My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
