please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
